


Safe Inside

by TheSecretShipper



Category: Holby City
Genre: Angst, F/F, Grief/Mourning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-23
Updated: 2017-04-23
Packaged: 2018-10-22 19:21:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 597
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10703472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheSecretShipper/pseuds/TheSecretShipper
Summary: Bernie pens down her feelings as she watches Serena grieve.





	Safe Inside

**Author's Note:**

> "I remember when you were all mine,  
> Watched you changing in front of my eyes.  
> What can I say?  
> Now that I'm not the fire in the cold,  
> Now that I'm not the hand that you hold,  
> As you're walking away."

It’s not as though I expected anything else – a quiet, closed off Serena is unsurprising considering what’s happened. She hasn’t said it in so many words but I know she feels she’s lost her status as a mother. I can’t imagine the emptiness it’s brought. No longer a wife, a daughter and now, neither a mother.

“I have so little left.” She whispered that the other night, thought I was asleep – I had hoped if I pretended it would help her drop off…it doesn’t. She stays awake most of the night as far as I’m aware, lies still, cries occasionally, a few times I’ve felt her get up; I let her go, leave her alone – what else can I do? 

She's not as empty as I know she believes - she's Jason's aunt, Evie's godmother, friend to so many, colleague, mentor, inspiration...so many things - my partner. Very much the one.

I’ve known death, probably more than most ever will – but this feels beyond my knowledge. How can I comfort her when I know no where near the pain she is feeling? How can I encourage professional help without appearing to be giving up on her? How can I remind her she is loved? So very very loved. It was only weeks ago I whispered it to her for the first time, and now I’m unsure if I’ll ever convince her of it again.  
Our life is a far cry from the flirting, passion filled month we had when I returned to Holby. Now, I lay my hand atop hers in support - but we don't hold hands. I peck her forehead, or her cheek - but we don't kiss. I hold her when she cries - but we don't cuddle. We lie together in bed - but we don't make love. The intimacy I spent my adult life avoiding, Serena introduced me until I would sooner give up air, convinced what we have between us could be my life source. How this woman has changed me, taught me love and how to love, and now it feels like I've been abandoned; left to provide it whatever way I can, just so she knows it's there.

 

She tried to come into work today, after a mere two weeks I couldn’t believe she even wanted to try. But whatever she wants I will support. I made her breakfast as she dressed, a task that takes far longer than it used to, she barely has the energy to move, helped her with her coat, drove her in…we made it to the end of the corridor before she stopped; couldn’t do it. She refused to let me take her home, instead asking to be alone and walk – it’s over an hours walk but still, I couldn’t say no – if she needs that then I have to let her do it but oh the look in her eyes as she told me she wanted to be on her own. I dread to think how literal that may become.

She retreated down the corridor and all I wanted to do was run after her, hold her? Demand I drove her home? I’m not sure – but I didn’t want to have to walk the opposite way, turn my back on her, enter AAU with a fake calm demeanour, face a florist worth of flowers in our office and answer question after question about how she is…How do they think she is? Her world ceases to have light in it and all I can do it watch. Watch and hope she’ll need me in some form.

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the James Arthur song of the same name. Something about the chorus struck me as poignant for Berena at the moment.


End file.
